A\N. This is based on book canon, not movie. Disclaimer: Parody is protected by law.
Pippin’s Diary by Hilary Thomson
Uncle Bilbo’s having a birthday party! Promptly invited self. Then Uncle Bilbo cracked that he needed dishwashers. Forced to decline my Baggins 2nd cousin twice removed.
Slipped into party anyway. Thought Bilbo kind of exploded and stuff mid-way through (hey, serves him right for eating too much), but Merry assured me he was fine. Fine, my arse. Frodo didn’t seem to care too much, but then, he’s the heir.
Stupid Bilbo didn’t even give me a present, so sort of glad he atomized. Felt sympathy for the Sackville-Bagginses when they came round whining, and I let them in Bag End to give Frodo a hard time (snicker!). After Frodo shoved them out the door he revived himself (and his helpers) with Old Winyards. Clever me!
Evening with Merry at the Green Dragon. He started saying stuff about a ring and a conspiracy and what not, but he was obviously drunk, so I ignored him. Agreed to go along with whatever-it-was just to get him to shut up. Guess I was sort of drunk too, heh heh.
Frodo and Sam invited me along on a walking tour to Crickhollow. No way, I said, too much exercise. Then Sam said their real purpose was an ale sampling tour of the Shire. Whoo hoo! Changed mind.
Celebrated last night in Bag End with Old Winyards.
Began unspeakably hideous journey with monstrous hangover. After vomiting for a while, was able to stagger off after S and F. Trip sucks already, wish I were in bed with aspirin and a toddy (medicinal only, of course).
Spent night in woods. No comfy inns yet, no beer. Am beginning to be suspicious of F and S.
The light is dawning. Almost ran into funny guy in black cloak on horse, F very edgy about him. F is on the lam, drat it. Non-payment of taxes? A bad date? Every time we’re supposedly ‘hiding’ from this stranger, F keeps sticking his hand inside his shirt to fondle something, lets his mouth fall open and goes glassy-eyed, then climbs out to ogle the guy. Figure it must be the latter.
Met elves. Wish I knew what they’re on. I could use some of it. Black rider getting on my nerves, too.
There’s another black rider! What did F do? Give them both the pox? They keep sniffing as if they have colds. Suggested decoying them with a pile of hankies but neither of my companions thought well of the idea. Jerks!
Made it to Crickhollow. F finally admitted he’s fleeing Shire. Merry, after a few pints, was blabbing more nonsense about some ring and a journey. Didn’t want to go along, but those riders made me uneasy. Maybe it WAS time to go visiting friends outside the Shire.
Stupid cousin M suggested traveling through Old Forest. Doesn’t he remember that time many years ago with the matches and oil? We nearly turned the whole place to charcoal. Possible that denizens still P. O.’d.
Denizens still P.O.’d. Big time. Nearly got squeezed in two by some pervert tree. Am buying Shire-full of weed killer if I survive this.
Rescued by strange hopping guy and his wife. Forget elves, I’d like to know what this pair is on. I have to have 20 pints of bitter before I sing songs that bad. Had 20 pints of bitter tonight, and later had weird dreams of being stalked by pervert trees.
Traveled to Barrow-downs. Fell asleep. As bad as the last time I had my cousins at Took Hall for a sleep-over. Who’s pinching me, no, who’s pinching me? Etc. Woke, found myself dressed in fruity fashion. Barely covered enough for decency, too many jewels, etc. Suspect old Bombadil of slipping us something and playing us all a prank. Then Bombadil urged us to get naked and run across the grass. Uh-huh. Picked up dagger from mound and fully intended to use it on the old creep if necessary.
Whew. Finally got away from weird guy. Quoth Sam, ‘we may go a good deal further and see naught queerer.’ Apprehensive about this ‘Prancing Pony’ Bombadil recommended. ‘Prancing?’ May need dagger.
Found inn filled with usual lot of sods and belching drunks. Reassured.
Frodo insisted on registering incognito with the landlord. Then he sang like an idiot, fell off a table, and latched on to some filthy tramp in a corner. Beginning to understand how he met those black riders in the first place.
Discovered filthy tramp hiding in our bedroom for F. He talked to F about ‘his price,’ and tried to scare us. Instead of pitching him out, F dealt. He’s taking this guy along with us!? Then Merry interrupted, running in. Afraid M’s been molested, and has caught black rider pox. What in the Shire was he prowling the alleys for, anyway? If he’d just gone to bed with Frodo, he’d be fine and we’d be tramp-less. Then Butterbur brought in letter from Gandalf. Unfortunately dumb wizard has stuck us with this ‘Strider’ guy. Couldn’t Gandalf find anyone else in Middle-Earth who actually bathed and shaved? Sam’s unhappy about Strider, and I think I know why (nudge-nudge).
Left town. Strider said something about shortcuts, then zig-zagged and backtracked so much I know this boy ain’t taken geometry in tramp school. Went through marshes. Went through midges. Ready to fire our guide. Unfortunately, stupid F still smitten. Sam still sulking. Guide raving about evil birds. Am one big midge bite right now, and wish I’d stayed home.
Strider finds highest point in miles, insists we camp there, loudly sings ballad and lights fire. Beginning to wonder which side he’s on. Then he tells wraith stories, and scares others so badly they won’t even consider getting rid of him. While we’re all quaking with fear, riders pounce. Four of them! I was really eyeing F by now. What’s his thing for men in black cloaks? Made note to self never to dress that way. Did sensible thing during attack and buried face in dirt, letting others fight. Got through fine, but F was skewered. He was not so badly injured that he wasn’t able to capture a souvenir black cloak, I notice.
Met some elf called Glorfindel. Not sure what use he’ll be, except to eat our shortening food supply. Apropos of the latter, I suggested we could cook Asfaloth as a backup. Glorfindel and Aragorn gave me dirty looks. Others (ahem, hobbits) looked at me with sympathy.
Rations very short. Dizzy. Considered eating Samwise (he’s the fattest) but remembered just in time he owed me money. Pinched flank of elfhorse to test for steak quality and got bitten. Ouch. Selfish bogger.
Reached river, got jumped by 9!? friggin’ riders. Frodo! How could you? Sensibly, the elf slapped his horse, which sent a certain Baggins on to his fate (and away from us, thankfully).
Reached Rivendell. Sampled lots of elf wines, sang a parody of ‘Beren and Luthien,’ and got slapped by elf-chick. Found out elf-chick’s name is Arwen, and she’s engaged to Aragorn. What is it with that guy? Wasn’t being chased by those Nazgul thingies pain enough?
There was some sort of council held and F, S, and a few others are going to Mordor. As the travelers were just about to leave, (and everything safely decided) I slapped F on the back and said stoutly that I wished I were going along. And then that elf bastard Elrond volunteered me! Hey, it was just rhetoric! I was perfectly happy here at Rivendell discovering vinous proof levels and living at someone else’s expense. I suppose I shall be forced to learn the names of some of my companions. They’re not all hobbits, humph.
Boromir let loose with a horn blast as we left. I hate him already. Has that man no respect for hangovers? Elrond was pronouncing gloom and doom. Hate him ditto. Aragorn still raving on about evil birds, and is adding clouds to his delusions. It is beginning to snow. This sucks.
Saw mountains for the first time, hey! Cheered up a little. Then stupid Gandalf said something about traveling OVER mountains. Lost cheer. Snowing harder. This REALLY sucks.
Climbing slowly up mountain called Caradhras, which Gimli seems to know personally in some weird dwarf way judging from his cursing. Can barely move. Snowing so hard can’t see hand in front of face. Then monster snowdrift. Then rockslide. Seems Caradhras doesn’t like Gimli, either. This REALLY REALLY sucks. On positive side, got piggy-back ride from Boromir.
Chased by Wargs. Wasn’t sure burying face in dirt (snow?) was going to work this time. Fortunately, Gandalf made barbeque. Hm. Am eyeballing wizard staff, as seems to be useful.
Boromir suggested we play some card game called Osgiliath Hold ‘Em. Merry said we had nothing to bet with, and Boromir replied we’d think of something. I ended up winning everyone’s waybread, Anduril, Sam’s cooking gear, Sting, some ring thingie on a chain, and a wizard’s staff. Told them it was due to my dazzling technique. Gandalf said, yes, known as ‘Cheating,’ and he made me give everything back. Didn’t know how to make the wizard’s staff turn him into a toad, so was forced to comply. Boromir seemed miffed for some reason.
Found Gate of Moria, which wasn’t open. Must indeed be the staff, because it’s sure not the wizard. Watched Gandalf make fool of himself for three hours, yelling ‘spells’. It wasn’t until Merry gave him a broad hint that he finally figured it out. Then F got seized by icky thing with tentacles. What IS it with creepy forms of life going absolutely nutzo over my distant cousin? Fortunately Sam was able to carve sushi out of it and we were able to run inside Moria. Sulking over its rejection, what was left of the tentacled thing slammed the doors shut on us.
Don’t like this. Sort of dark. Big cracks and fissures. Gimli thrilled, of course. Stupid dwarf. Dropped stone down well, which got treated like big-wackety-doo deal by others, like it would alert some enemy. Gandalf says he’s lost, which is not treated like big-wackety-doo deal by others. I’d think that was a far more serious crime, okay? Then Gimli chanted some dwarf song so loud it made the roof quake. And that’s not a big deal either? I think there’s a certain prejudice against Pippin here.
While lingering stupidly for an hour or so by tomb instead of getting our arses out of there, orcs attack. But instead of running away like hell, some of our brave idiots wanted to show off and chop around a bit. THEN we ran like hell. I mean, 9 against 10,000? Be realistic. Were they stupid or what? (Cough, men, cough. And Frodo-for which he got whacked again.)
Lost Gandalf to Balrog thingie (I can’t keep all these evil guys straight, so not sure what it was). G went out in the noble spirit of throwing a piece of meat (namely himself) behind to stop the wolves. Sort of futile though, as it only stopped the Balrog. 10,000 P.O.’d orcs left to chase after us.
Big cry fest. Sort of missed crabby old wizard. And his more useful staff. All of us wasted precious time bawling. And still in the spirit of lingering-stupidly-until-our-pursuers-land on top of us, Gimli wanted to make a detour to go see some pretty pool called Mirrormere. And they call me irresponsible.
Turns out F saved by spiffy (and sort of fruity) mithril coat. Almost reached Lothlorien, when Legolas sang a song. I have finally figured out this song business. As soon as someone sings one, we get attacked. Sing a song in the Shire, and boom, black rider jumps us. Aragorn sings on Weathertop, boom, more black riders. Gimli yodeling in Moria, 10,000 orcs. Now Legolas, and more orcs. Oh yeah, my song in Rivendell and that crazy elf-chick.
Meet suspicious, stupid elves. Hey, we’re being chased by 10,000 orcs, can’t they figure it out? Finally, elves let us stay in their tree. Then stupid Lorien elves, much in the spirit of Gandalf, lead orcs away from us.
Stupid elf Haldir wants to play silly game of blindfold. No wonder elvenkind is doing so poorly in this age. Finally got blindfold off and saw Lorien. S’okay. Have yet to discover if these weird elves brew anything, so Rivendell still has my vote as swankiest tavern.
Met elven babe Galadriel and her sidekick Celeborn. Had hopes this ‘Mirror of Galadriel’ liquid I heard about from Sam is a beer, but he says it smokes if you touch it. Maybe G just bad at brewing.
Left Lorien. Sort of relieved. I think there’s beer in Rohan. Galadriel gave me a cloak and pretty brooch, and a silver belt, but that’s so typical of women. They always think it’s neat to give you clothes and jewelry. What’s she worried about, my pants will fall down? On a serious quest like this, sturdy weaponry and armor would be more useful. And booze, of course. Sam did get a box of dirt (like, really useful there against Sauron, Galadriel) and Frodo a night-light, so the poor dear won’t trip on the way to the bathroom. Frankly, she should have left this gift business to Celeborn. Hey, she just gave a bow and arrow to Legolas! Maybe you have to be an elf to get the good stuff. Or else this is a comment about how useless she thinks we hobbits are in battle. So we’re just scream-and-fall-hostage fodder, huh? We’ll show her! Just wait till we meet the next batch of orcs!
Galadriel sang a song as we left. Ominous. Found out at absolute last second these elves make white mead. Curses. Didn’t know the whole previous month.
Met orcs. Oops. Am now hostage. Long story. It’s tough to write this with my hands tied together. Anyway, Frodo ran away, everyone disappeared looking for him, and orcs pounced. Boromir got thowped with lots of arrows, and I think he’s a goner. Was tied up and pawed by horny-handed, panting orcs, and am beginning to realize the wisdom of Galadriel. Her belt magically kept my pants on. Merry, unfortunately, is in this with me. Didn’t realize orcs had such a BDSM complex. Not sure if going to end up in orc stewpot or orc lap, and not sure which is worse.
This REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, sucks. Now orcs making us run for miles, and hitting legs with whips. Orcs quarreling with each other just like hobbits do when there’s only one piece of chicken left on the serving platter. Given orc-draught. Woo-hoo! Feel revived from the dead. These guys may be orcs, but I give them the award for the best brew in Middle-Earth. Managed to get wrists untied (that’s how I’m writing this-my notebook is propped up against a dead orc, just killed in fight a moment ago) and put fake loops on instead. Also dropped my brooch in hopes that Aragorn will find it. I’ve acquired a somewhat better impression of his skills since Bree, I admit.
Things bleak again. Have to run, so short entry. Orc after me with a whip.
Slung on orc back. These guys—do not take baths, I have just discovered. Ick.
Riders from Rohan chasing orcs. Big orc quarrel, and some pervy orc called Grishnakh grabbed both me and Merry. Not sure elf-belt going to work this time. Thankfully, Grishnakh killed by arrow. Horse jumped over us, and we were free. Got to see orc barbeque. Fed Merry lembas while he was still tied up, and it was the kinkiest thing I’ve done since—Hey, I’m not going to tell YOU.
Got picked up by a tree, which was weird. Never learned about Ents in hobbit-school, since I was busy robbing everyone’s lunchpails and braiding Diamond of Long Cleve’s hair. Decided not to mention to Ents the Old Forest incident with matches and oil.
Have discovered that . . . Ents . . . are . . . the . . . most . . . boring . . . creatures . . .in . . .Middle-Earth.
Fell asleep in middle of previous entry. Actually don’t mind a little mental vacation after the orcs, but hope it doesn’t last for the rest of the War. Discovered Ent brew has a taste like green tea (namely weed-water). Felt refreshed, but not really any different, so maybe it’s not a beer.
Was wrong about Ent brew. Ents just destroyed Orthanc. That stuff must act differently on Ents than us. Haven’t seen such destruction since Merry’s last birthday party.
Discovered I made a little mistake in entry number 36. Crabby wizard still alive. I guess I’m sort of glad to see him. Also glad I’m not in the battle that A, L, and that dwarf are stuck fighting in. Seems Ents are not yet done squishing orcs dead under their feet like beetles. Ate a decent dinner for once (courtesy of Saruman-maybe we should make Wormtongue wash the dishes, snicker).
Merry offered me something called ‘Longbottom Leaf.’ After smoking a bit I felt good. Verrrrrrrry good. No wonder Saruman wanted to take over Middle-Earth if he was smoking this. I felt like conquering a country or two myself. Tried to kiss Treebeard, but he said that though he hadn’t had sex for 10,000 years, he didn’t do it with other species. Offered some of the weed to Theoden and company, but got smacked by Gandalf. (Sniffle).
Caught up with A, L, and G. Sort of glad to see them alive, too. Was even so generous as to offer G a spare pipe, but remembered too late it would have nasty dwarf drool on it later. M had them all goggling at his tales of orc molestation, the naughty boy.
Frankly, I suspect Theoden and company must have smoked something anyway, considering the way they were acting when Saruman talked. I haven’t seen so many slack-jaws and vacant eyes since, well, hobbit-school. It was mostly an ‘up-yours’ bitch-fest between us and S. Picked up this nice glass ball that Wormtongue threw, and had an inspiration when I looked into it. Gandalf swiped ball from me before I could test theory. I can guess what made Saruman go over to the dark side. I’m sure Gandalf stole his marbles when they were little wizards.
Apparently ball is a ‘palantir.’ Had sort of weird conversation today. Suppose it was due to the fact I was still squiffy from the weed. Stole palantir back from Gandalf and turned thoughts towards Isemgrim’s Pizzeria in Tookland. Didn’t remember the ring of fire around Isengrim’s eye but maybe everyone looks weird through palantirs. Saw a giant question mark appear above his head. ‘Extra large with triple mushroom, jalapeno, and anchovies,’ I ordered. Saw a giant exclamation point form over his head, followed by a variety of bad-tempered wingdings. He replied, ‘I’d take over your mind if you had any mind to take over!’ Really sort of rude. Woke up from weed? to find wizard bitching at me. Felt sort of sick. Maybe no more weed for a while.
G must feel guilty or something. After wizard tantrum, he carried me in his arms from Rohan to Gondor. Wish he’d done that from Rivendell to Rohan and saved me all that walking. Now G singing lullaby about a white tree. Ominous. What was that I said about songs earlier?
Met irritable old git named Denethor. But when I started to say ‘Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, you’re going to be replaced by Aragorn Isildur’s heir,’ Gandalf jabbed me in the back. I fell over and my sword slid out of its sheath. I picked it up by the blade, but before I could replace it, the crazy old git said something about accepting my service. Huh?
Guard duty sucks. I think Gandalf was giggling up his sleeves, glad to have me out of the way for awhile. Have discovered these people think I’m a prince. I sort of am, since I’m a Took, but was forced to explain that hobbits don’t have princes. Thankfully, these peasants-drafted-for-cannon-fodder don’t believe me.
Nearly got into a fight with a 10-year old boy, but was able to scare him off. Would have been embarrassing if I’d lost. Bergil and I threw down stones and jeers at all the arriving knights, something which suited my tastes better than walking post.
Woke up. Sort of dark. Went to the outer walk for a quiet stroll and sniff of the morning air, and found about 20,000 orcs, swooping Nazgul on winged whatevers, various trolls, war oliphaunts, and several thousand armed men. This REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sucks. Not sure even Gandalf can get me out of this one. Decided to do the wisest thing. Deserted post and smoked some of my leftover Longbottom Leaf.
Came across Denethor and offered him a little of my Leaf (thought it might soften his nasty temper) and hoo boy! Results unexpected. After taking a few puffs the old guy started ranting on about burning his son up! I thought the effect would wear off before Denethor got the faggots pitched and lit, but oh no. Ran for Gandalf. Didn’t tell him, of course, how it all happened, but rescued Faramir (whew!).
Surprise! Enemy lost to us, Rohan, and Aragorn. Hooray! Ventured out once all the orcs looked sufficiently dead and found Merry sniveling. Apparently he got molested by another Nazgul and stabbed it. Then Eowyn killed it off. Brave wench! Wonder why A not marrying E instead of you-know-who. Nazgul killing skills more useful than hobbit-slapping, I’d say. Took M to houses of healing to get over his grizzling fit.
Merry worse, which is odd. Sleeping like the dead. Even blowing Longbottom Leaf into his nostrils didn’t help. Then discovered problem. Wrong weed! Aragorn tried athelas and M recovered straight up. Hmm.
Absolute most appalling thing happened. That bastard Aragorn has volunteered me to fight before the Black Gate. Claims it’s my duty as a soldier of Gondor and he being my liege lord. Also ran out of weed.
This REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS. Big suicide attack planned at the Black Gate. Mouth of Sauron comes out, ‘Nyah, Nyah, Nyah’s,’ at us. Fighting explodes all over field. Confronted by giant troll and forced to attack him. This REALLY REALLY . . . .
Woke up with awful headache. Thought for a moment I’d been on a huge drunk, but IT TURNS OUT I SURVIVED THE BATTLE. Headache due to crashingly heavy troll. Gandalf rescued Frodo and Sam, and Dark Lord and all his works went ‘Floop.’ TIME TO PARTY, people!
Entry 69 (Last Entry)
Wondering why F and S shrank when they went to Mordor. S claims M and I have grown. Have finally figured out this whole business was about that ring of Frodo’s. Didn’t know till now. (Hey, don’t look at me funny).
Entry 70 (Whoops, not quite last)
Shire invaded by Saruman, Wormtongue, and capitalistic-industrialist minded hobbits. Wiped them all out at Battle of Bywater. Bought Longbottom Leaf plantation in Southfarthing, and lived happily ever after.
(Written the evening of Oct. 26th, 2004).